How to be an annoying tourist
Oh come on, we’ve all done it – we’ve all been mildly annoyed by all the people who look like they’re auditioning for the Power Rangers in front of the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
Every time I give people advice about anything travel related I always say “Don’t be a tourist, be an explorer”. But let me give you my definition of the word “tourist”:
A person who ONLY goes to generic destinations, does generic things and upon returning from a trip has no idea about how people actually live there, what they’re like and in general hasn’t at all felt the atmosphere and vibe of the place. It’s literally like visiting Pisa for the sole purpose of taking this shot on front of it. I’m, of course, not implying you shouldn’t visit this place because it’s “generic”, I’m just saying that you should explore more, expand your knowledge about the culture, meet local people, go places where they would normally go. Unless you want to be an annoying tourist. If you have such ambitions then this list is gonna be quite helpful:
Travel in a heard
Travel with fellow countrymen and don’t get too far away from your group. The point is to be surrounded by people whose behavioural patterns and language is the same as yours. The less contact you have with the locals, the better.
Stay on your phone at all times
Nothing should distract you from your ultimate goal: living a full and happy life….online. There’s really nothing more important than your social media status. It’s not like you run an online business or post amazing landscape photography that you should update regularly so that it brings you an income. No, you just want to see all those comments on Natasha’s Facebook engagement status and stalk the people in the bar from your phone while in the meantime you try to avoid eye contact with anyone in real life there. You’re on top of the Eiffel tower? Who cares, just got a notification! You’re at the Oktoberfest? Better sit on the side and try to catch some free Wi-Fi. You just finished a 5 hour exhausting hike? Damn it, there’s no signal there! Stupid mountains and nature.
Make being drunk your №1 priority
Don’t get me wrong, I love a good beer and a shot of Polish vodka as much as the next person. But in order for you to master the art of being an insufferable tourist you need to make the act of getting drunk your primary goal. Like these people, who are the reason why a beautiful, clean, family friendly spot called Sunny Beach on the Black Sea coast now looks like a real-life version of “The Hangover” movies.
Don’t go out of your spa resort
Who cares you paid a giant sum to go to Bali! Who cares there are amazing beaches, animal sanctuaries, dedicated to helping wildlife animals and brilliant historical sights to visit! The only thing that REALLY matters is that you’re in a 5 star hotel. So don’t bother going exploring, better stay by the swimming pool.
Accessorise for the airport
Every self-respecting tourist should wear only the latest fashion trends at the airport. That’s the perfect timing and opportunity for you to show off your new collection of heavy bracelets and your oh-so-cute set of 27 unique mermaid midi rings. Which are all made of metal. Don’t forget your Coachella layered necklace as well! Bonus points if you put your laptop on the very bottom of your suitcase. The more time you make everyone wait for you being super inconsiderate while the staff try to figure out what’s setting off the metal detectors, the better.
Bring your children EVERYWHERE (aka to places which are so obviously not a great social setting for a toddler)
The Vatican museum is surely on your 3 year old’s travel list as well. It OBVIOUSLY prefers to ponder over the different interpretations of Renaissance art than to see a giant dinosaur robot in the natural history museum. Don’t compromise because of the fact you decided to, or simply had no choice but to bring your offspring with you. Go to all those places you wanted to visit by yourself, no matter if they’re appropriate for kids or not. Because it’ll surely be a marvelous experience for both your little angel who won’t be bored at all AND all of the other visitors who have an actual appreciation for Botticelli’s paintings. (On the other hand parenting is TOUGH and many times you have no choice where to bring your children, so you know…do what you gotta do!)